Thursday, 3 July 2014

BFI Top 50 Films of all time: Number 48a (Tied) "Histoire(s) du cinéma (1988-1998)"

In 2012 the BFI (British Film Institute) polled 846 critics, programmers, academics and distributors to update their list of what, in the experts opinion, are the greatest Movies of all time (to date).

In 2014 I decided to watch them.

I have actually discovered that I hate at least 30 members of the BFI voting panel. I mean, seriously? Shall I elucidate? Of course I will this is actually a one way conversation. Perhaps I am being pretentious?

Ahhhhh pretentious. That's a nice word isn't it?

In 1988 Pretentious French Pratt Jean-Luc Godard decided to take upon himself the mammoth task of detailing the History of Cinema. He produced an excellent 8 part documentary detailing the rise of the silve….. oh hang on.

He produced a startling montage of imagery that excites the senses and titillates the…. wait.

vlcsnap-2014-06-29-09h25m35s199He made the biggest pile of shit I have ever seen and I include the Triceratops dung pile in Jurassic Park. Godard's “Masterpiece” is a totally unwatchable melange of indecipherable images, sounds, muttering and audio effects. I imagine a mixing desk given to a troupe of ADHD baboons on speed would have provided a far more enjoyable experience.

When I embarked on this task I truly didn't expect to encounter such an execrable turd. Godard seems to think the rapidly wiping between hardcore pornography (in oh so artful black and white) and death camp victims while he mutters about some shit or other while chewing a big fucking cigar and using the most annoying electronic typewriter in the word is art.

Well fuck you Godard.

vlcsnap-2014-07-03-18h29m50s142Oh and by the way the cinematic output of the UK dropped during the war because we were busy liberating Europe from the Nazi menace that had totally walked over the bunch of Surrender Monkeys to our south.

I attach a short YouTube clip to illustrate what the experience of Histoire(s) du Cinémas is like. It is not recommended for viewing by anyone with eyes or ears.

 

RATINGS (at the time of publishing)

IMDB list this movie under its sub sections:

  • Histoire(s) du cinéma: Toutes les histoires 7.3
  • Histoire(s) du cinéma: Une histoire seule 7.3
  • Histoire(s) du cinéma: Seul le cinéma 7.3
  • Histoire(s) du cinéma: Fatale beauté 7.4
  • Histoire(s) du cinéma: La monnaie de l'absolu 7.4
  • Histoire(s) du cinéma: Le contrôle de l'univers 7.3
  • Histoire(s) du cinéma: Les signes parmi nous 7.4
  • Histoire(s) du cinéma: Une vague nouvelle 7.4

I rate all of it 1. Seriously

Rotten Tomatoes is a nightmare to find it on. Suffice to say. I vote it at most at 5% and that's because I appreciate work went into it.

I doubt that this heap of waste even really qualifies for the criteria of a movie given that it is an 8 part straight to video “thing” but if it does it really isn’t one of the top 50 films of all time. I honestly would not wipe my arse with it. Which is good because its not absorbent.

BFI

IMDB Toutes les histoires, Une histoire seule, Seul le cinéma, Fatale beauté, La monnaie de l'absolu, Le contrôle de l'univers, Les signes parmi nous, Une vague nouvelle.

Rotten Tomatoes NO LINK

Number 48b will be another foreign film, after this it cannot be too bad. Surely, please. Its the 1966 movie “The Battle of Algiers” (La BATTAGLIA DI ALGERI).

The next post will be on the sister list however and I am much more confidant that film 50 on the IMDB list will be far more enjoyable. It’s 2012s “The Dark Knight Rises”.

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