Thursday, 21 April 2011

Predators

I am sorry. I am oh so sorry. I wanted to like this, I started to like this. I thought it might recover at the halfway point. It didn't. Predators joins the growing list of lazy films that make me angry.

I think I had better explain just why Predators has left me a seething ball of rage.

The film employs several lazy tropes that we have seen time and time again. Namely…

  • Inventing a subspecies or character simply for plot reasons (“the other predator can take us to the ship”)
  • Having a BIGGER BADDER version of the baddy (alien 4, Jaws 2)
  • A character that seems nice but is evil.
  • A tough guy that has survived.
  • Original bad guy vs new bad guy
  • New Bad guy variants
  • A character stays behind for a one on one sword fight… which happens even though we see Predators elsewhere happily shoot helpless prey.
  • Escaping craft gets blown up
  • Escapee wasn't on craft

If that isn't insulting enough our film also seems to follow its own crazy logic

  • A pack of dogs are almost invulnerable…unless they are not when a single shot kills
  • Am I bad.. am I good… do I help you… Do I not. Motives are totally inexplicable and all over the place.
  • The Tough Guy that has escaped 10 seasons of hunting manages to forget everything he has learnt and get killed stupidly and easily.
  • Those dogs? Where did they go, we never see them again despite it being clear they are hunting dogs and should be in or near the enemy camp?
  • Why are the roach creatures caged when the humans are not. They should have been knocked out too?
  • A massive bunch of frag grenades at close range can’t hurt a predator… a sword and a bullet can… and where did those frag grenades appear from. We don’t see them before or after. They would have been useful to escape the ship earlier wouldn’t they?
  • They yomp across an open plain. A character comments that the sun hasn't moved. Then after more jungle we see a skyscape… shouldn't he have spotted the alien planets? THEN IT GETS DARK! When did the sun start moving?????vlcsnap-2011-04-20-19h33m08s172

Then there were the niggles.

  • An uber Predator race are you fucking kidding me?
  • The cloak is now invisibility rather then camouflage
  • How did bignose light all that fire at the end?
  • Why would Predators consider a sneaky serial killer a proper challenge? Its like hunting a trapdoor spider.
  • Where do all the dogs go!
  • Why does Mr Tough insist on being quiet after firing a goddamned gun?
  • Who's ship was he hiding in and why didn't the Predators check it at least once in the 10 seasons?
  • AN UBER FUCKING PREDATOR ARE YOU FUCKING JOSHING?

I tried to like it. It was pretty and sounded great. It was well acted and the score and effects were lovely. My bugbear of CGI was not even noticed. I did try. However when you can tear so many plotholes into a film that it looks like a 70’s punks vest after a particularly rough Buzzcocks gig there is a problem.

That is why I am angry. Like so many outings lately this COULD have been a great film. With more attention to detail and harsher scrip editing we COULD have had a classic. Instead we have an angry fat man ranting on an unread blog.

Paul Outvlcsnap-2011-04-21-17h09m09s29


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