Friday, 27 August 2010

Incubus

I can sum up the major problem with Incubus in one, simple, sentence. “Tara Reid is the best Actor in this film”. If this strikes you with fear from the outset turn back…for here be monsters.

Incubus is screamingly awful, the acting is sub high school production and at points I almost had the feeling that they were actually reading directly from the (for want of a better word) script. Stilted, STILTED this movie was so stilted they kept hitting their heads on the ceiling (sorry Alexi Sayle moment there).

OK the story. Erm group of 6 teens end up in a government lab that has had some kind of disaster. They get stalked and killed by random scientists and each other. There is a spooky man sitting in a glass cell who definitely isn’t an Incubus (at least READ Wikipedia first PLEASE). Then it ends. Do I know you guys?

Standard horror fare so fare, and like all horrors suffers from flaws. In most horrors these are niggles, in this they are bloody great holes. Huge fucking rents in the story. These are flaws that would send anything else out of the seconds pile and right to the bottom of the unsellable skip. Skip picking tramps would see these flaws and not touch it with their disease riddled hands.

In the world of Hollywood sub par films get released direct to Video. This film was so bad it was released direct to download. Not the “embracing of the format” that the industry would have you believe but rather and attempt to ship an absolutely shite movie.

So what is wrong with it really?

Wellllll, a group of teen crash on the road and rather the staying with their vehicle and wait for the next car for hep, rather then try to tip the car back on its wheels (there ARE 6 of them after all) they decide to walk the road… did a mention that not ONE of them is even scratched.

After a while they decide to cut through the woods to save time. Of course getting lost. When they find an abandoned base they decide to break in. After all it is obviously abandoned AS ALL THE FLOODLIGHTS COME ON. They then break in with their climbing gear…that would have been IDEAL to make a shelter…by the goddamned car!

Did I mention that we still have no idea what the relationships are here. I think possibly one is Tara's brother and another is a girlfriend of the blonde guy. This awful acted girlfriend was so reluctant to be left alone at the car in broad daylight that she wanders off ON HER OWN IN THE DARK. Act Scared, Act Scared...Fuck it just act...Stand there then

Its apparently dark in the complex, of course after Tara finds a tongue on the floor she still continues to investigate, finding two rather fresh corpses in the ABANDONED complex. Right next to a really handy light switch that seems to control EVERY SINGLE LIGHT.

When the lights go out again it isn't really dark but they continue to use their torches anyway…all of them…even though they say they are running out. Of course they are those special torches that don't fade slowly, they just flicker as if the “actor” is turning it on and off rapidly.

Through all this the government that obviously are running this secret base make NO ATTEMPT to find out what exactly has happened to the grand total of 3 scientists running it?

Throughout all this nobody thinks of the obvious…KILL THE BLOODY CREATURE solution.

This is a TRULY awful film. I hope they didn't pay the room full of monkeys for it.

Paul Out…

Good job that they saved those torch batteries!

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