Tuesday, 6 April 2010


Avatar is visually arresting, outstandingly pleasing to the eye. It is bright, dark, beautiful, terrible and majestic. Right that's the good bit done.

Where is the plot?  Boy goes to infiltrate enemy camp, boy meets girl, boy loves girl boy changes sides. Story done. Avatar has as much life behind it as the dead, dead Disney (love me) anime eyes of the Naa’vi smurfs. Yes the visuals are arrestingly beautiful. but wee need to have a plot there and to be honest, with Avatar, it isn't.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Avatar but I rather feel like I have just sat and watched a masterpiece of a painting say a Von Gogh or Constable without any real information about it. Its like part of the film is missing.

Take an example. Unobtanium. Who in the name of all that is holy thought that one up. We need to want something on this arboreal planet…hmmm. What is made of thousands of years of decayed forests? Hmmmmm what is useful in todays society and would translate so easily as a future resource of great value? Nothing? Lets make something up… ITS OIL YOU FUCKWITS. FFS IF YOU HAD SAID THEY WHERE THERE FOR OIL IT WOULD HAVE INCREASED BELIEVABILITY STRAGHT AWAY BY A FACTOR OF TEN. (Whooo just got lightheaded from the shouting…bear with me, here look at this pretty picture)

vlcsnap-00071 Anyway, we have an alien ecosystem which is all connected and the planet is sorta alive and evil mankind…what hang on. Why the fuck am I always evil? I suppose as a Brit I do get more then my fair share of evil accusations, i mean even lions that are evil are British. Yes I see what you are doing. This is a thinly veiled allegory for the Native Americans. Of course they never did ANYTHING bad at all (cough..scalping). Going by the film if Big Chief Angry Pants had stood up for himself USA would not exist! Sadly the humans came back next year with bigger boats (oh hell Avatar 2). On the subject of the “nice” Naa’vi here is a quick reminder…sometimes primitive tribes are not tree hugging hippies. Often they are, rip your heart out and throw you down the temple steps, bad.

There were plenty of other things in Avatar that make me rage filled. The use of the terms Terror and Shock and Awe seem so out of place and simply for effect. The plan to use a bomb to destroy the Naa’vis holy place is so ill construed that it beggers belief. Am I to believe that this allegory of unfair occupation would intimate that we, as a race, would willingly blow up the equivalents to the Vatican? Please do not start me off on the mechwalkers, ones that HOLD guns and knives! Why are they not built in? What shit IS this.

Why am I so angry about this, particularly considering that it was an OK film?

Reasons are twofold. Firstly it didn't need to have these flaws. With more thought and a better plot it could have been a stunning film. Secondly it has been widely regarded as a stunning film, bringing back to light the brain destroying bastard atrocity that is 3D. More vapid eye candy will follow you mark my words well.

For those that would say that it is all about the experience and Avatar is art (much like the 2001 defenders) answer me this. Do you need to see 12 Angry Men in 3d on the big screen to appreciate the true art of its story? No. When a film set in one room with just 12 actors and filmed in black and white with mono sound can hold my attention better then a “Blockbuster” then I start to despair for all mankind.

Paul Out…

NB this was the 2D edition.

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