Sunday, 9 August 2009

House of the Dead (2003)

House of the Dead started life as a Sega Video Game. One of those highbrow efforts where you shoot zombies, lots of them. Of course this depth of content shows in this fantastic adaptation of the game by iconic director Uwe Boll (some of that last paragraph may have been sarcastic)

Would you geuss Sega had an involvement?

I have spent some time thinking and have come up with the perfect Uwe Boll movie simulator. Here it is…

  1. Find a pretty and dumb girl, someone you would look at for hours on end imagining… (bloke if you are female)
  2. Infect them with amoebic dysentery.
  3. Get them to crouch over you face puckered sphincter ready to deliver that fatal load.
  4. Tell them to strain

Pretty soon if you follow this simple routine then you will get the full Boll experience. Its like being pelted with a facefull of shit over the course of one and a half hours and because the creature shooting it looks so damn good you put up with it!

Tatas Look. look at the boobies. Don't worry about the film, look BOOOOOBs.

More boobs (rubbish nipples though!) Wow more boobs, no don't worry about the acting, look, breasts. Numnumnum.

I am informed this is "A Hunk"

Isn’t he handsome. No willies though its not that kind of film.

OK a some point I should talk about the plot. Some teens take Jurgan Prochnow (who really should know better) and his clich├ęd sou-wester wearing crewmate to “The Island of the Dead” so they can go to a rave. They all get killed. Except the  guy that stated clearly at the beginning he was the only survivor.

I have saved you the trouble now. Thanks :DJesus, if that lace breaks.... well it kept me watching.

Actually it did kind of pass the time, maybe because of the copious amounts of aforementioned eye-candy. I think if such prominent chesticles hadn’t been on display throughout I would have flagged very, very quickly.

Awful film saved by tits. Oh and this credit.Best assovite producer name EVER

Paul out…and watching the slow motion boobies bouncing while running from an explosion scene again.

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