Sunday, 19 July 2009

Deep Rising (1998)

A year before Stephen Sommers made “The Mummy” there came Deep Rising. A movie so inept that it literally has no idea what genre it is. Now a quick look at IMDB shows that Deep Rising has quite a fanbase, that is, quite simply, baffling.PRESS STOP. FOR GOD SAKE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE

Here is the plot (what little of it there is). Group of mercenaries go to destroy a cruise liner on a hired ship whose crew have no idea that the hardassed lunatic psycho killers onboard are lunatic psycho killers. The aforementioned Cruise Ship is sabotaged by “an agent” and is crippled irreversibly (always a good idea). Coincidentally Famke Janssen is also onboard as some kind of high class jewel thief, exactly how a jewel thief wanted in several countries is able to get a amazingly expensive ticket to a maiden voyage of the most expensive state of the art cruise liner is not explained. Coincidentally the ship is then attacked by some huge sea creatures who have scant regard for water pressures completely ignoring Newton (pah silly man).

So our main hijacker group are 20 minutes away, just enough time to eat the entire occupants off our cruise liner. They may be slightly later as they hit the most amazingly pyrotechnic  speedboat ever. This cripples the motors which would have been helpful if the original plan had been stuck to (rather then the pesky people eater turning up) as 20 minutes to evacuate such a massive cruise liner AND reach a safe distance before it is destroyed by a group of mercenaries with LOADS of torpedoes is a bit of a tight deadline. While we are on the subject, why exactly DID a group of highly paid international mercenaries with really bizarre accents and magic everlasting ammo filled machine guns need a hire boat anyway? Its like James Bond taking the fucking bus.I sounded like Shaggy

You see that's the problem. I am rather good at suspending disbelief but sometimes, just sometimes even I watch a film and scream WHAT THE FUCK.

I'm actually rather annoyed. Why does our monster need to herd our heroes to the bow of the ship where it has shat out all its previous victims (that it managed to massacre in just 20 mins) just to flood the area. It obviously didn’t need the water to eat them before. WHY NOW? While we are on the subject of utter bollocks, why does the monster need to smash down the bulkhead door in the Poseidon Adventure scene when not 20 minutes later it CAN WORK THE FUCKING DOORS ITSELF.

Our monster eats everyone in seconds, unless drama demands it. Then it sits chewing gently in the case of scary Chinese man and in the case of our Hero DOESNT EVEN USE ITS MOUTHY BITS. It now thinks its a fucking snake.

Why does the rich (traitor) person fight Famke Jenssen for the SeaDoo key WHEN THERE ARE CLEARLY 3 FUCKING SEADOOS!

I also hate CGI in the way it is used here. At no point is there any threat at all because the monster quite clearly IS NOT THERE.vlcsnap-2009-07-19-21h16m04s123

Rather then rant for hours I guess I should sum up. Deep Rising doesn't know whether it is a Horror, thriller, sci-fi, romance, comedy, action movie,  monster flick or disaster movie. What it certainly is however … is shit. The only reason to watch this film is if you are so pissed that you brain is barely working. Then maybe, just maybe you can override all the bullshit and enjoy the pretty pictures. Failing that really don't bother.

Paul out… and like goon 4 in the movie attempting to wash the bad taste from his mouth with Atlantic salt water as that makes SO much sense.

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