Friday, 17 July 2009

The Cell 2 (2009)

The Cell was a brilliant and beautifully shot thriller, hinging on the radical idea of the ability of a psychic to enter another persons mind. Jennifer Lopez plays the protagonist entering a lunatics personal world in an attempt to save his last victim before a time based death takes them.

The Cell 2 is shit. Not just any shit. This is fresh amoebic dysentery shit, running down the withered leg of an 84 year old syphilis raddled whore. If you look up the word “Shit” in the dictionary you get the words “The Cell 2”. My Thesaurus says :

Shit -
Main Entry:
bowel movement
Part of Speech:
noun
Definition:
expulsion of feces
Synonyms:
BM, crap, defecation, discharge, dung, excrement, excretion, fecal matter, feces, feculence, flux, go to the bathroom, manure, number two, shit, stool, waste, The Cell 2

I guess in a way it is unfair to decry a film like this. I should really give my reasoning. You see, TC2 (i will not waste my finger skin typing the full name) is about a woman who can use personal objects to access the minds of people, or stuff, maybe, but its not really clear how, mind you the FBI must know, you see they have made a gizmo, it has a green light on it, and it keeps her safe, not really sure how.

OK its going to be harder to explain then that. Lets try a different tack.

The bad guy has medical knowledge, and orders syringes from a medical company under the inconspicuous name of “David Berkowitz”. Of course its not the FBI that find this out rather the hick sheriff and our improbable psychic.

But that doesn't cover it.

How about the fact that the film looks like a cheap episode of Babylon 5. In fact, respect to B5 its CGI was actually rather more effective.vlcsnap-2009-07-17-19h37m08s1

The FBI have 2 operatives and once the killer is located they send one and the previous suspect who instantly gets cuffed to a bar leaving the single cocky detective to die…from a rubber axe in the back. I hope to god that the FBI really are not as inept as in this film otherwise America really is doomed to death by crap serial killer. Still as long as there is a renegade Sheriff and a Plucky psychic, with acting ability (unfeasibly) worse then J-Lo’s, prepared to go it alone and risk everything in pursuit of that victory kiss at the end of the film, then i guess the good old US of A is safe.

Somehow its possible to be inside someone's mind and fly a helicopter at the same time. Oh and this is from a Police Officer that was also an EMT. Serial killer, my god the guy is a genius. Is there anything he can’t do?

The best thing about Cell 2? The end credits showing me that my freedom had come. vlcsnap-2009-07-17-20h42m33s84

If you are ever caught by a lunatic, tied face down to a bed and given a choice of watching TC2 or having large pineapple greased with vicks vapo rub forcibly inserted into your anus, please God choose the pineapple. DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM.

Paul out…and still filled with bile from that awful fucking film.

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