Sunday, 31 May 2009

Collateral (2004)

What can I say about this Oscar nominated movie.

How about what a load of old mans unwashed underpants that have been pissed in and shat at least five times in the last 24 hours. The type of pants that would run off on their own if they were given the chance and that have the type of stench that could decimate an entire colony of sewer rats. Not just any sewer rats mind you, these rats are hardened sewer rats that live under Paris in the stinking effluence of a garlic obsessed culture.

PDVD_007 Lets take a look at those Oscars.

Best Achievement in editing… well i suppose making anything coherent from what is essentially a terrible idea with a terrible script and mostly pathetic and uninspired acting would be a true achievement. Hell I will pay for the Oscar myself if they could have made this heap of genital warts any good.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting role… Actually Jamie Foxx would have looked good acting next to a block of piss stained oak given the performance that Cruise turns in. He is the least convincing hitman that I have ever seen. I’m guessing the idea was to make him affable and engaging. Now a quick note to the casting directors and Tom himself. Douglass in Falling Down is an engaging anti-hero, Patrick in T2 is engaging, hell Schwarznegger himself in Terminator was more engaging then plastic man, who incidentally appears to have been involved in an explosion at a cocaine processing plant! Why oh why did they not use Jason Statham as we know he can do the hitman bit. Rather then that we see a cameo that my DVD has the cheek to bill Statham with!

PDVD_001 Then there are the plot holes (or as I like to call them “Bollocks! like that would happen” moments)

List time :D

  • There is a turned over car wreck at speeds in excess of 60 mph neither occupant is seatbelted. Both get up and walk away.
  • If you are going to take out witnesses why wait till the night before the indictment then rush it?
  • Why run off to save the heroine rather then just tell police and with that in mind why WOULD you spend so much effort on someone that you met for a short while in your taxi, regardless of how much you wanted to shag her?
  • Police don't notice a car speeding and running red lights but are here seconds after it crashes.
  • The same police are also completely unable to spot a damaged taxi on deserted roads speeding when an all out search is in progress.
  • Our Hero steals a cellphone from someone obviously making a call then cant get a signal!!!
  • The aforesaid phone is the first I have ever seen where a low battery causes disconnect rather then just power down.
  • Do lifts really beep in the US with every floor increment?
  • The first thing any woman who wants to run does is take off their high heels.
  • Have LAPD no witness protection scheme?
  • Do LA clubs really play their music so loud that gunfire, death and general panic goes completely unnoticed even by the DJ who normally has a grandstand view of the dancefloor?
  • What is it with guns that only shoot the intended person with very little blood or damage unless the effect demands some penetration then you can have some puffs of smoke. Because all bodies smoke when subjected to trauma.

Overall I thought Collateral was dreadful. I was so disappointed as I was expecting so much more. Even the soundtrack lacked coherence and swung wildly from inappropriate to plain annoying. Worst of all IT MADE ME LISTEN TO JAZZ!PDVD_003

The guy in the jazz club (Daniel) was good though.

Paul out…

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