Sunday, 17 May 2009

5 Things that are small niggles but have the potential to drive me homicidally schizo leading to murder, pain and suffering.

1. People that cook Sweet corn and Peas in the same pan.

Keep them APART!

Yes they are both boiled vegetables, yes they are both small and sort of round. They are completely different in taste and texture just because they cook in the same way does not mean you can just mix-em-up willy nilly. Its an outrage!

My solution: Put the peas in a sock to keep them separate. Nobody eats the little green fuckers anyway.

2. People that hang carrier bags on door handles.

Just because it sticks out it is not a hanger. Every turn there are bags. You walk through a doorway, what's that rustling? Its a carrier bag! Shut the door? nope it jams! Bloody bag!! Stop it. I have a recurring dream where i meet Jennifer Connelly, she wants me.. I want her. We strip. I hear rustling. SHE IS HANGING PLASTIC BAGS ON MY OLD FELLA. I wake in a sweat…

Come to me...NO KEEP AWAY...I cant resist....I'M SO CONFUSED 

My solution: Use a sock to compact and store all your bags in.

3. People that put hair bobbles (those elastic band things) on gearsticks.

Into the car you get, putting it into gear. What's this, a whole column of hair bobbles rising from base to knob (this blog is rather phallic today!) like a strange rainbow of hairiness. OK it does no harm but for some reason it is rather annoying.

My solution: Store them in a sock and keep in in the glove box.

4. People that use full beam and fog lights when there is no need.

We have all been driving at night when an oncoming car blinds you with its full beams on for no good reason. You would flash them back in annoyance but there is always the niggling fear that this may be some crip/blood/yakuza initiation thingummy and to flash the hi-beams would be tantamount to suicide. So we endure. You know it is some old bugger barely able to peep over the dashboard, colostomy bag full to bursting just waiting for the chance to commit homicide by being old and rubbish.

My Solution:  Staple a row of socks to the sun visor. Then when the menace approaches you can simply flip it down for full protection from the harsh glare. If the threat is behind you simply place a sock over the rear view mirrors before setting off. Complete immunity.

5. Having loads of exciting and innovative uses for socks but a distinct shortage of socks.

You find a stellar blog post that outlines all the great things you can do with socks. Unfortunately you are completely out of odd socks. Sure you could split a pair but who in their right mind would do so? Its a real bind.Hmmmm socks :D

My Solution: Visit my eBay page where all your sock solutions can be fulfilled, odd socks available in a range of sizes from 8 to 8. Some come pre-holed for easy removal of peas or as a handy hair bobble dispenser. Don't delay… Buy today eBay sock auction

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