Monday, 29 June 2015

Charlie’s Farm (2015)

“I’m not going in there, I’m scared”

Take a group of Australian 20 something's, throw in an inexplicable American girlfriend and send them to a farm where something nasty happened. Charlie's farm is a slasher in the grand old tradition of “stupid teens get chopped up” updated to make the teens slightly older (which is a good idea as Tara Reid is nearly 40 now). Its gorgeous to watch with all of the complaints I have about Hollywood horror addressed. Lighting is excellent, effects are almost all practical (or very good CGI) and exceptionally gory. I cant remember the soundtrack vastly so it obviously fitted well with the movie and was not overbearing or jarring as they often are. Pacing is also good with early flashbacks juicing up the pre-massacre scenes.


That's the good bit done.

The acting is truly abysmal from some quarters (not saying any Tara Reids) and the plot is weak to say the least. My favourite plothole/inexplicable behaviour is how 2 women will agree to travel 100s of miles across Australia to see a site where horrific things happened and then refuse to go inside! Although its nice to see Kane (Jason Vorhees) Hodder without a mask I also feel his inclusion was really so that the makers could say that Charlie is bigger!

If anything is learnt from the movie it is these 3 facts.

1) Tara Reid really cannot act

2) Fat repulsive men (that is how he is written) pull hot chicks if they have big dicks

3) The effects crew need a better gig, they are outstanding.

Charlie’s farm is one of those odd DVD/streaming releases which I don't believe went to theatres. If you can find it cheap and you like a mindless slash check it out. Despite the sub par plot and acting its still 1000 x better then anything that Hollywood are churning out right now.



Wednesday, 3 June 2015

The Anniversary (1968)

Mrs. Taggart: My dear, would you mind sitting somewhere else? Body odor offends me.

I had the best shower ever last night, yes the bathroom is almost done. The fitter is up there right now doing da biznizz.
I also watched a rather nice and out of genre Hammer Movie called “The Anniversary” starring a little known actress, some bird called Bette Davis.

vlcsnap-2015-06-03-09h37m55s229 I say out of genre because it certainly isn’t a horror despite her behaviour. The Anniversary is a drama/comedy based on a stage play and its thespian roots truly do shine through. Like all great movies it is a character driven masterpiece revolving around Bettes cruel manipulation of her three children, all desperate to release themselves from her well tied apronstrings.
vlcsnap-2015-06-03-09h38m27s39The youngest, Tom, is getting married to his pregnant fiancĂ©… if he isn't talked out of it.
The middle “child” Terry plans to emigrate to Canada with his wife and 6 kids… maybe.
The oldest is Henry, he is resigned to his fate, to live with his mother and steal ladies underwear to wear.
Every year Mrs Taggart celebrates her Anniversary, even though her husband is long dead, its a great chance to meet up with her boys and bring them closer to her manipulative bosom.
Its great fun to watch despite its mildness as a comedy as the twists and turns of her manipulation are glorious and her cold hearted “love” is a joy to behold. I heartily recommend this movie as a great timewaster.

Monday, 1 June 2015

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007 (released 2014))

I am currently having a bathroom fitted. Its a full refit and the work has been ongoing for a week now. I have brushed my teeth and washed in the kitchen sink for a week as I have no working wash basin. I had my first bath for days yesterday. The fitter should be coming to finish today but still isn't here. Suffice to say I am irritable.

What better catharsis then a really bad horror movie? Actually a film as terrible as the Poughkeepsie Tapes is a terrible catharsis. I am currently employing the alternative route. Internet vitriol coupled with 1980s Iron Maiden played far too loud.

The Poughkeepsie Tapes is an attempt on a new type of found footage movie. This time is a videolog of a serial killers forays into torture and murder. The problem is the footage is terrible. Mr Killer man really should have invested in a better Camcorder because his is bloody terrible. In fact scratch that the whole film is terrible. There are initially quite gory scenes (if you can make them out in the gloom, grain and distortion) but then we progress onto talking heads and a whole lot of pallid exposition from really terrible actors. 

There are people that would argue that the movie was not released cinematically because of content concerns, it has only recently seen the light of day with “On Demand” video. I would argue that somebody looked at the pile of putrid shit they had made and decided it would be better abandoned.
If you hate yourself and want to waste your life watch the movie. It adds nothing but more nausea to the whole found footage genre.

PS: The wanker still isn't here. Fucking tradesmen.
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